live life…

obviously i haven’t written in awhile.  it’s been more than a week really when i happily wrote that i was back in the game and ready to prep for hawaii.  well there’s a reason that i haven’t blogged.  honestly, it’s because i didn’t know what to write.  i feel as though my blog should be inspirational, motivational – but at the same time real.  but when i’m not even feeling inspired or motivated myself, then anything i would write would be anything but real.  to be completely honest – the weeks following the competition have just been super tough for me.  it’s so true that when you experience the highest of highs – you should be prepared for the soon-to-follow lowest of lows.  my body has just been in some funky state since the competition and my head has been all over the place.  one thing that i thankfully have through all of this is a sense of humor which continues to get me through most things with a smile on my face.  the past few weeks i’ve definitely been going to the gym – that never changed – but because i wasn’t following the same nutrition plan i felt so weak and had absolutely no energy at the gym – which made it dreadful.  and nutrition? yeah.  i wish i could sit here and tell you i’ve been enjoying some great food, wine, ice cream…oh but no.  no i haven’t been eating anything fun, but craving and overeating the strangest things: oatmeal, almonds, honey.  so after sitting on the couch literally just dipping almonds straight into the honey (rather amusing really) – i really started to question my sanity because i honestly felt like i couldn’t stop eating!  my mind started to get the best of me and drove me nuts – and all the while i was thinking about the fact that i need to be ‘on it’ for hawaii…and yet i continued to eat.  so fast forward and after 3 weeks of doing this i defintely put weight on – which of course i expected somewhat since i was so lean. and given that my body was completed depleted of carbs and water – about 1/2 of what i gained would be easy to lose.  but combine the low that followed the competition being over with gaining about 7 lbs in 3 weeks…yeah, not good.  after hibernating for awhile i finally reached out to my girlfriend and trainer who i must confess completely and utterly snapped me out of it…and i’m so grateful.

here’s what snapped me out of it:  while i may think that i’m eating too much because of the mental side of things – it’s actually my body craving to be healthy.  11% body fat is not normal, or even healthy for that matter, so after i allowed myself to eat food – instead of craving all those things that i thought i would, my body was just trying to get anything it could in it to bring up my body fat to a healthy range (for my height that’s 15-20%).  the fastest way to do that? carbs (oatmeal), fat (almonds), and sugar (honey).  that was quite an ‘ah ha!’ moment for me i guess because instead of feeling so guilty – like i was failing, i could understand that my body was just doin’ it’s thang and i wasn’t going crazy!!   then the other thing that really gave me the ‘oomph’ that i needed was hearing that i have the power to make choices everyday for my life and for my body – and that even if i mess up one day, i always have tomorrow to start over and determine the course of my life.  these are things i know – and often will tell my girlfriends when they’re going through hard times – but when you’re in the midst of it, often times God puts just the right person in your life to say just the right thing.  and that’s what i needed.

so after that i stopped feeling sorry for myself and everything i was going through and it’s been amazing how my outlook has changed.  i went back and read my blog throughout the 12 weeks as a reminder of just how great i felt when i was working out and eating the way i was…and as of yesterday i’m completely focused on just taking care of me and being healthy.  i think the only thing i would do differently the next time around is prepare and plan for the few weeks following the competition to avoid the ‘crash’.  i’m sure it can’t be avoided all together, but the truth is that i have to learn to transition back to ‘normal life’ – either that or i’ll always be in contest-prep mode and that’s not realistic.  one thing that struck me yesterday when i was on the stepmill (sidenote: i always get these little epiphanies on that thing!) was this: i started fitlosophy because i wanted to redefine how people integrate fitness into their life…and my tagline ‘live life fit’ is indicative of the role i think fitness should play in our lives.  but what i realized yesterday is that i’m not practicing what i preach.  fitness should be a PART of your life, but not BE your life.  it’s a bit funny because i originally wanted to do a fitness competition to set a higher goal for myself and push myself.   what i didn’t anticipate was how it would change my mental state.  to do well in a figure competition you have to commit 100% mind, body, and soul because it takes all of you. trust me – anybody can do the physical part of the competitions…the eating and nutrition – but the true test is the mental dedication that it takes.  so i dedicated myself 100% – and that mindset and focused served me well…but in the process,it also altered my thinking.  what happened to balance? enjoying life? i always preached that the reason i work out is to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner… have a steak if i feel like it…or grub on chocolate souffle.  but yet i found myself obsessing in a way that i realized is not me…it’s not at all my ‘fitlosophy’ (sorry – pun intended) on life.  so my epiphany was this yesterday (memorial day).  it was 6:30pm, there were like 5 other people in the gym and i’d done my lifting.  my cousin invited me to a bbq to watch the lakers/nuggets game and i still had 45m of cardio to go.  and at that moment i just decided that this was not what being ‘fit’ is all about…sacraficing other areas of your life for the sake of getting that workout in no matter what.  so even though it sounds like a small thing, i made the decision to do 20m of sprints and i can do my 45m on saturday instead….and i got out of there.  at that moment i just decided that regardless of whether i’m competing or not – everyday i need to first live my life.  i personally struggle with this ‘all or nothing’ mentality across all areas of my life and i’m seeing that now so i’ve committed to doing one thing every day that is a little outside the norm for me….out of my routine.  because what is the point in being fit and healthy if you can’t enjoy this life we’re given?

pretty deep today huh?  that’s what happens when i don’t blog for a week!  don’t worry – i’ll start blogging more and be back to just updating on my workouts and food in no time!
until then…
live life fit!

i’m back…and 6 weeks out from hawaii!

to my few loyal followers…i’m back!   it’s been 3 weeks since the figure competition and what a 3 weeks it’s been.  as you saw on the last blog post a few weeks ago, i kinda hit a wall after the competition and it’s taken me a few weeks to get my feet underneath me.  it was just so hard to have the one thing that was driving me for the past 3 months suddenly be gone!  but i’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on things and have learned a lot about myself.  i crave that structure that the competition provided.  after a few weeks of wandering around aimlessly at the gym, eating whatever i wanted, drinking almost no water, and getting no sleep…let’s just say, i actually miss how amazing i felt before and want and need to be focused on a goal.  so my goal is to go to hawaii and compete on june 27th and hopefully do better this time around!  like i’ve said before – i’m always in it to win it…but now that i have my first show under my belt (or should i say bikini!), i know what to expect and want to win my division!

so as of today i’m back on track and am exactly 6 weeks out from hawaii.  i’m SO looking forward to the competition – but more than that…5 days in hawaii!  this will be a much-needed little getaway, an escape from reality.  granted, i will be all painted up and will be focused on the competition the first part of the trip – but it’s actually a ton of fun and i’m looking forward to doing it again.  then after the competition i will be happily laying by the pool, reading a book, sipping a mojito, and enjoying a little vacay! 

so what, you might ask, do i need to do to prep for this?  based on the feedback from the pro/judge at the last show, i need to develop my shoulders and back a bit more.  so while my overall workout will be fairly simliar to what i was doing before, i’m going to double up on back and shoulders, so my workout splits will look like this:

monday: back/chest
tuesday: bis/shoulders
wednesday: active rest
thursday: legs
friday: shoulders
saturday: tris/back

i’ll also add in the hella-hard walking lunge routine 3 times a week, plus cardio 2 days at 30m, 1 day at 45 and then my 2 favorite 20m workouts: treadclimbers + sprints.  for my eating i jumped back into the eating plan where i was at before when i was at 6 weeks out: 1300-1400 cals per day.  i’ve got a few extra pounds to lose as a result of my fun little 3 weeks off…but a lot of it is water weight too so i should have no problem jumping back into the program and being competition-ready in 6 weeks.  so i’m being pretty strict…but after feeling like i had no structure whatsoever i’m welcoming the routine!  seriously – i’m an all-or-nothing person…it’s hilarious.  annoying at times, but hey – i am who i am.  not good in the grey!

so i’m back to blogging as i’ve missed it more than you know.  it’s so darn therapeutic for me.  i suppose i could just type in a word doc and get the same effect, but NO…i like to put all my thoughts on the internet so anyone at all can read them.  go figure.  oh…be watching for an update on fitlosophy too…fun and exciting things happening that i can’t wait to share.  well – i guess i can wait because i’m not writing about it tonight.  it’s 10:15 and i’m off to bed with my hot tea in 15m.   so here i am (again)…happy as a little bug with my water bottle finishing off my last 28oz of my gallon for the day and happily typing my thoughts…it’s good to be back!

post-traumatic competition syndrome

yes this is a new term and for anybody that has done this type of competition – i guarantee they can relate!  kim warned me, but nothing could prepare me for the week to follow the competition.  i’m a really structured person and this competition created a great amount of structure for me from when and what i ate, to when i woke up and went to bed, when i worked out…everything!  so while everyone (along with me!) thought that eating whatever i wanted and taking a few days off from the gym would be wonderful after the competition…blah.  no bueno.  i seriously just wanted monday to get here so i could start a new program…which is another potential blog topic…why do i have to wait until monday to start a new program?  i do that all the time….so frustrating…but i digress…

anyway, back to the whole post competition thing.  i think that there was just so much excitement leading up to it and i was so focused….and then when it was over i just didn’t know what to do with myself.  in addition to all that, the reason i’d decided to do a competition was not only to reach the next level of fitness for myself, but also to help me get through a fairly tough time in my personal life.  it did help – it gave me something to work toward and forced me to focus on myself…but then when the competition was over, unfortunately a lot of all those fun emotions were still waiting for me to deal with.  blah blah blah.  not trying to be depressing, just honest.  i don’t want for one second for it to seem that this whole deal is just a walk in the park – it’s tough mentally and physically and i was prepared for that…but i just wasn’t prepared for what was to come after it was over.  kim told me that this would happen – that it would feel like the day after christmas…ha ha…so true!   so this past week?  i  maybe worked out 2 times at the gym and then went for a jog at the beach…my eating wasn’t too out of control because i eat fairly healthy anyway…but my portions were out of whack.  to top it all off i didn’t write in my fitbook (gasp!  shocking i know!) because i’d finished my 12 weeks at the competition and i really didn’t want to start a new fitbook on an ‘off’ week.  so that threw me off even further.  it wasn’t all bad though…i enjoyed some vino, a nice steak, had golden spoon one night…but for me, it was just the unknown of what my goals where and not having any direction whatsoever.  so now that the week is behind me – i’m glad it’s monday!!!

i’m setting my sights on my next goal…there is another figure competition in 3 weeks but that’s a bit too soon for me.  i need to spend some quality time on fitlosophy…my poor baby has been neglected due to the competition.  but for sure, my next competition is on june 27th in hawaii!!!  yay!  kim and gunter are behind the hawaiian islands bodybuilding and figure competition and so i’ve decided to compete there for sure – and take myself on a nice little vacay at the same time.  so that is 8 weeks out!  i’m spending the night tonight putting together my plan for how to get there and what i need to change up.  i spoke with a judge from the competition after it was over – she’s a pro – and she said i need to work on bringing my lats out and capping my shoulders a bit more….those are areas we knew we needed to work on so i’ll keep doing that.  you have NO idea how relieved i am to just be back in the swing of things…i’ve got my fitbook, i’m writing down my goals, planning my workouts…yes, i know i’m a structure freak.  but this is all part of learning who you are and what works for you.  i know that some people don’t understand the strict workout program or diets…but i like having some sense of control over something in my life and that’s one thing i can control.  of course i won’t be as strict on some things when i’m not competing…like a little glass of wine with dinner or golden spoon when i feel like it…but for some reason, i need that sense of structure.  yep – typical type A control freak!  ha ha!  so today was a new day and i hit the gym with a vengeance and am back on my eating plan…but not the last 3 weeks (1200 calories!)…i’m happy at the 1500-1600 level for now and then about 3 weeks out from hawaii i’ll cut back again.  i’m really looking forward to competing again actually…now that i’ve done it before i know that i can improve my posing and have more fun with it.

on a completely separate note: my girlfriend came over tonight all happy because she just finished her first fitbook and she showed me her 12 week results.  she lost 6lbs, 5% body fat, 4 inches in her waist, and 1 inch from her hips…but most importantly are 2 things i see: she’s making drastically different decisions when it comes to food which makes me happy – that’s lasting change that will benefit her from here on out, but most importantly i see confidence in her that she didn’t have 12 weeks ago.  part of this whole journey for me has been enjoying the positive influence that my decision to really be ‘open’ about my competiting and my goals has had on those around me.  i’m in no way taking credit for her accomplishments…but i do know that just being a healthy and fit person rubs off on those around you because they become more aware of their choices.  this is the same girlfriend that came over to take my pics for me every single week…and she kinda wanted to go on this journey together and i’m so proud of her hard work and am happy to see it paying off for her.  so we just both started our new fitbooks today, established our next 12 week goals…and off we go.  i guess i’m seeing new value in the little fitbook that i didn’t even see before….seeing her flip through it and show me where she started and where she is now…the confidence and pride in seeing her hard work pay off…that’s what i see.  aside from just numbers on paper – that little fitbook is just proof of her hard work and dedication.  i feel the same way when i look at my fitbook from the last 12 weeks…it becomes a part of you and your everyday.  so yes – of course i love the little fitbook and believe in it 100% (hello!?!)…but i guess i got a glimpse first-hand into how it’s changing lives and that to me means more than anything.  so i’m gonna ease up on myself about having a bad week, take a step back and realize i’m human just like everyone else, smile knowing that i achieved a very tough goal that i set out to reach, and give myself credit for growing a little company that is making people’s lives better…not too shabby.

by request: before + after pics

i meant to do this before…here are pics so you can see my progress over the 12 weeks!  before i was at 112 with 15% body fat and at competition i was 104 with 11.5% body fat.  it’s kinda hard to tell as much with the bathing suit i had on in my one week pics (or as kim called it, my granny suit!)…but you can see the muscle definition development.  plus it would help if i knew how to pose in the first week – but you can see how my shoulders and lats really came in and my legs and but were a lot more toned.  important point: i like how i looked before…this was never about losing weight or changing my body for any other purpose than to reach a personal goal.  this whole process has taught me a lot about myself, some negative but mostly positive, and i just want to make it clear that it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside if you aren’t happy on the inside.  it’s tough reaching this level of physical fitness because you want to maintain it – but you know it’s nearly impossible to stay this way all the time.  what i want people to see when they look at my before and after pics, aside from the inches i lost or the muscle i gained (which of course you’ll notice – hello!)…i want people to know just how much i grew during this experience…how for the first time in my life i was completely and utterly proud of myself and comfortable in my own skin.  i’ve always had certain aspects of my life that were easy for me: business, school…anything that took hard work – i knew i could put the time in and achieve anything.  but something like this is much more personal – it’s just you out there and whether people know it or not, i’m extremely shy and self-conscious in those situations.  THAT is why i was so embarassed – on the verge of tears really – after the pre-judging because i was just so nervous.  but that is also why i am so proud of myself.  i went back out there during the finals and did my best and was me.  the fun, flirty and confident me.  to be myself in that environment when you really put yourself out there…well i was just pretty darn proud of myself. so in closing – yes it is pretty cool to see the physical changes take place over the past 12 weeks and i’m going to challenge myself to keep enhancing my level of fitness…but the changes that took place inside me far outweigh any physical transformation.  hopefully everyone can apply this to their own life and know that it’s not about what you look like but how you feel about yourself.  once you can develop that positive self image and know you’re worth taking care of – the physical changes you’re seeking will soon follow.  ok…enough of my dr. phil moment…i was feeling inspired.