live life…

obviously i haven’t written in awhile.  it’s been more than a week really when i happily wrote that i was back in the game and ready to prep for hawaii.  well there’s a reason that i haven’t blogged.  honestly, it’s because i didn’t know what to write.  i feel as though my blog should be inspirational, motivational – but at the same time real.  but when i’m not even feeling inspired or motivated myself, then anything i would write would be anything but real.  to be completely honest – the weeks following the competition have just been super tough for me.  it’s so true that when you experience the highest of highs – you should be prepared for the soon-to-follow lowest of lows.  my body has just been in some funky state since the competition and my head has been all over the place.  one thing that i thankfully have through all of this is a sense of humor which continues to get me through most things with a smile on my face.  the past few weeks i’ve definitely been going to the gym – that never changed – but because i wasn’t following the same nutrition plan i felt so weak and had absolutely no energy at the gym – which made it dreadful.  and nutrition? yeah.  i wish i could sit here and tell you i’ve been enjoying some great food, wine, ice cream…oh but no.  no i haven’t been eating anything fun, but craving and overeating the strangest things: oatmeal, almonds, honey.  so after sitting on the couch literally just dipping almonds straight into the honey (rather amusing really) – i really started to question my sanity because i honestly felt like i couldn’t stop eating!  my mind started to get the best of me and drove me nuts – and all the while i was thinking about the fact that i need to be ‘on it’ for hawaii…and yet i continued to eat.  so fast forward and after 3 weeks of doing this i defintely put weight on – which of course i expected somewhat since i was so lean. and given that my body was completed depleted of carbs and water – about 1/2 of what i gained would be easy to lose.  but combine the low that followed the competition being over with gaining about 7 lbs in 3 weeks…yeah, not good.  after hibernating for awhile i finally reached out to my girlfriend and trainer who i must confess completely and utterly snapped me out of it…and i’m so grateful.

here’s what snapped me out of it:  while i may think that i’m eating too much because of the mental side of things – it’s actually my body craving to be healthy.  11% body fat is not normal, or even healthy for that matter, so after i allowed myself to eat food – instead of craving all those things that i thought i would, my body was just trying to get anything it could in it to bring up my body fat to a healthy range (for my height that’s 15-20%).  the fastest way to do that? carbs (oatmeal), fat (almonds), and sugar (honey).  that was quite an ‘ah ha!’ moment for me i guess because instead of feeling so guilty – like i was failing, i could understand that my body was just doin’ it’s thang and i wasn’t going crazy!!   then the other thing that really gave me the ‘oomph’ that i needed was hearing that i have the power to make choices everyday for my life and for my body – and that even if i mess up one day, i always have tomorrow to start over and determine the course of my life.  these are things i know – and often will tell my girlfriends when they’re going through hard times – but when you’re in the midst of it, often times God puts just the right person in your life to say just the right thing.  and that’s what i needed.

so after that i stopped feeling sorry for myself and everything i was going through and it’s been amazing how my outlook has changed.  i went back and read my blog throughout the 12 weeks as a reminder of just how great i felt when i was working out and eating the way i was…and as of yesterday i’m completely focused on just taking care of me and being healthy.  i think the only thing i would do differently the next time around is prepare and plan for the few weeks following the competition to avoid the ‘crash’.  i’m sure it can’t be avoided all together, but the truth is that i have to learn to transition back to ‘normal life’ – either that or i’ll always be in contest-prep mode and that’s not realistic.  one thing that struck me yesterday when i was on the stepmill (sidenote: i always get these little epiphanies on that thing!) was this: i started fitlosophy because i wanted to redefine how people integrate fitness into their life…and my tagline ‘live life fit’ is indicative of the role i think fitness should play in our lives.  but what i realized yesterday is that i’m not practicing what i preach.  fitness should be a PART of your life, but not BE your life.  it’s a bit funny because i originally wanted to do a fitness competition to set a higher goal for myself and push myself.   what i didn’t anticipate was how it would change my mental state.  to do well in a figure competition you have to commit 100% mind, body, and soul because it takes all of you. trust me – anybody can do the physical part of the competitions…the eating and nutrition – but the true test is the mental dedication that it takes.  so i dedicated myself 100% – and that mindset and focused served me well…but in the process,it also altered my thinking.  what happened to balance? enjoying life? i always preached that the reason i work out is to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner… have a steak if i feel like it…or grub on chocolate souffle.  but yet i found myself obsessing in a way that i realized is not me…it’s not at all my ‘fitlosophy’ (sorry – pun intended) on life.  so my epiphany was this yesterday (memorial day).  it was 6:30pm, there were like 5 other people in the gym and i’d done my lifting.  my cousin invited me to a bbq to watch the lakers/nuggets game and i still had 45m of cardio to go.  and at that moment i just decided that this was not what being ‘fit’ is all about…sacraficing other areas of your life for the sake of getting that workout in no matter what.  so even though it sounds like a small thing, i made the decision to do 20m of sprints and i can do my 45m on saturday instead….and i got out of there.  at that moment i just decided that regardless of whether i’m competing or not – everyday i need to first live my life.  i personally struggle with this ‘all or nothing’ mentality across all areas of my life and i’m seeing that now so i’ve committed to doing one thing every day that is a little outside the norm for me….out of my routine.  because what is the point in being fit and healthy if you can’t enjoy this life we’re given?

pretty deep today huh?  that’s what happens when i don’t blog for a week!  don’t worry – i’ll start blogging more and be back to just updating on my workouts and food in no time! 🙂
until then…
live life fit!


3 Responses to “live life…”

  1. 05.27.09 at 9:28 pm

    You are the most wonderful person, thank you for sharing your real life. Bless you!

    (Guess I have the same “all or nothing” thing going..I’ll keep in mind what you said about enjoying the life we’re given..)

  2. 2 gretchen
    05.27.09 at 11:05 pm

    hey ang.. i did the same thing between my 2 shows! i ate almost a whole jar of pb when i went to traffic school for no reason.. and tons of rice cakes. whoohoo. now i feel normal 🙂

  3. 3 Jasmine
    07.05.10 at 12:10 am

    I’ve been catching up on your archived entries and feeling completely inspired and motivated but this entry definitely hit home. as I’ve had trouble trying so hard to live in a vacuum in order to maintain proper nutrition and workouts, I’ve never been able to fully complete the twelve weeks because of that very vacuum that sparates me from life, reality, and issues/problems I escape via that desired vacuum. life isn’t a bubble or focusing on one thing at a time no matter how extreme we are. no. the bigger challenge, and what life is REALLY about, is learning to balance. and that is harder than any program I’ve ever done.

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