forgive me while i diverge from the regularly-scheduled sunday night blog post about my preppin’ + preparin’ for the week ahead. but sometimes i just get an epiphany and i must go with it.  it was at church tonight, or “chaurch” if you will, given the deep southern accent of our paster that can barely be heard among the amens and halleluiahs of the lively service.  the sermon was, not surprisingly, about gratitude…gratefulnuss, and being thankful for all that God has given us and provided. to communicate the message, our pastor referenced the story in the bible where Jesus fed thousands with just 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread. and 2 things about this story just hit me like a ton of bricks:

1)  the blessing is in the breaking.
obviously 2 fish and 5 loaves wasn’t enough food to feed that many people, but what was incredible about the message was that Jesus blessed what they had even though it wasn’t enough. but it wasn’t until the breaking of the bread that it began to multiply.  if you look beyond the actual and to the metaphorical, the message was that the blessing didn’t happen until the breaking began. and so often that is how God shows us his blessing is to break us down, humble us, and then use us to bless others.  and this hit home with me in so many ways.  see it’s always easier to look at your past and see how God has transformed your life to use those struggles for good. i can now look at my long struggle with eating disorders and know that God has used that to make me so compassionate twoard others. by being relatable….vulnerable, and at the very least letting other see that they’re not alone amidst their isolation.  but looking back is the easy part. the real struggle for me is how to deal when you’re in the midst of the breaking.  see, even now, i wish i could say that i’m 100% past all my insecurities and fears of not being enough, and yet if you ask anyone that has dealt with this lovely dysmorphic view of themselves, you will find that it’s something that lasts a lifetime. something you don’t necessarily conquer, but just learn to manage. and yet, i can’t and won’t accept that. one of my favorite sayings is “don’t tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God  is.”  so tonight as i sat there in “chaurch” i just tried to hold back the tears ’cause i’m going through the breaking right now. and the one thing that makes me smile is knowing that what i’ve got through before, i can surely get through again. that if it’s true that the blessing is in the breaking, then God is using this to make me stronger, bolder, and preparing me to be blessed and bless others.

2. why me?
the other part about this story that stood out was that God uses people that often get looked over. in the story, it talks about there being 5000 to feed, but that wasn’t truly accurate because that was only the number of men…including women and children, it was more like 15,000 mouths to feed. and yet they didn’t count. but what’s incredible is that God uses a child to feed the thousands with his 2 fishes and 5 loaves of bread. see we often look at others as though they’ve got more to offer. and yet, sometimes God will call on someone that doesn’t make sense.  and i’ve felt like this lately. like who am i?  while working on developing our brand on an international level, on a recent call i was told they don’t just want my products or the brand, but they want me.  complete with my blog ramblings, (often silly) youtube videos, and all. they see something in me that resonates with women….someone that had a dream and a vision that came out of a personal struggle and then used that passion to create my destiny.  and see, while i’m grateful for all that i don’t see myself as that special or different. i see it as my experience and i suppose i see it as my privilege to get to live out my life’s calling doing what i love.  but why me? what do i have to offer? and after an hour-and-a-half on a call, it still didn’t make sense.  honored? yes. but did i get it? no. not until tonight. not until i realized that somehow God is using me, in all my brokenness to break the mold of what everyone thinks is normal. that the world says is healthy. because i’ve long believed that the way to change our world isn’t to be a six-pack-rockin’ beauty donning a bikini that over-energetically says “it’s simple – move more, eat less!” and then wonder why we still have over 2/3 of our population being obese or overweight.  because it’s NOT that simple.  maybe, just maybe my purpose is to break the mold of what’s accepted. to be bold enough to say the truth. and maybe someday break the cycle of being ashamed for being real.

i guarantee i will get multiple direct messages, emails, maybe a few texts, and possibly a phone call. and it will go something like this: “you get me”…”i’m just like you but no one knows”…”finally, someone understands.” and what i dare you to do is slowly be bold, be vulnerable and open.  i mean, maybe you don’t go write a blog post, i mean who would do that?! but you might just be surprised how the world (ok, or maybe just those closest to you) embraces your realness.  admires your willingness to be weak.  see my fear all along is: “why would anyone want to buy products or read anything from someone that struggles practicing what she preaches?”  and the answer i’ve found is this: because i get it.

so if you’re going through the breaking process like i am right now, i just encourage you to hold on.  and be grateful for the breaking, because the blessing is soon to follow.

incredibly openly yours,


1 Response to “brokenness”

  1. 1 nicole
    11.19.12 at 8:08 pm

    Thank you for making me see that “I AM NORMAL!” 🙂

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