this one’s for momma.

to say that writing this blog post is tough is quite an understatement. it was just over 2 months ago that i was HEARTbroken to learn thamom+met my sweet momma had been diagnosed with leukemia. february 10th to be exact.  and a very quick 18 days later she went to be with Jesus. i had all the faith in the world that if anyone could kick cancer’s butt, it was my stubborn, healthy mom. turns out she had a very rare, fast-acting form of cancer, FLT3 which is a mutant of AML. maybe some day i can share more, but it’s still so fresh. i’ve went from full of peace and joy that she’s not in pain to anger and sadness that my best friend is now gone. and somewhere in between those two ranges of emotions is numbness: where i spend most my days. and i don’t share my story about my mom for pity.  or for sympathy even. i share it to be real.

see i haven’t been in the mood to blog about getting fit for summer. or to ramble on for pages about losing those last five pounds.  because to me, that hasn’t been my reality.  my new reality is learning to live my life without my mom who i talked to every single day…taking care of my family as best i can from 1700 miles away…getting out of bed on days when i don’t feel like it…sorting through emotions that creep in and out of my mind that leave me feeling exhausted…trying to understand why i’m almost giddy happy on some days and not feeling guilty….imagining my future without my mother when i still feel like i need her. that is my reality. and next to probably the most amazing friends and family and a very merciful God, the only thing that’s gotten me through is doing what i do best: take action.

so here’s a weird coincidence that i just now realized: the very day i signed up for and blogged about committing to my first half-marathonwas the very same day i found out about my mom: february 10th.  like, i hit publish in wordpress right before i got in my car to head to the gym, called mom and dad… and got the news.  and now, 12 weeks later i sit here the night before reflecting on what has transpired.  only 2 weeks into my training program, i dropped everything to go back to be with mom, then in less than 24 hours of my arriving she was gone. the next 4 weeks were a blur spent in colorado with my family with the last thing on my mind being running or training. a few therapeutic runs here and there, but training, not exactly. upon returning to some semblance of life in california i found running to be the very outlet i needed to process the pain, deal with the depression, and connect with God and my mom. at first the running was more out of distraction and honestly a fear that if i didn’t train for the half-marathon i’d already committed to, i would either not be able to finish, or die trying.  and in the process i found healing in those morning runs all by myself; joy in the sense of accomplishment with each long run conquered.  only 6 weeks consistent training under my mizunos, i shall lace up my sneakers tomorrow at 6:15am not to win…not to prove anything…but to run with all my heart for my mom.

i love you momma…your girl wants to make you proud.


7 Responses to “this one’s for momma.”

  1. 1 Kari
    05.05.13 at 4:08 am

    This was beautiful, Angela. It brought Tera to my thinking about the strength it would take to go through what you are experiencing. I type this as I lay next to my own mom, an best friend, in her bed, catching up on life. I would be a mess without her. You are in my prayers and I know your momma will be shining down on you tomorrow, smiling the whole team.

  2. 2 Lynne
    05.05.13 at 1:01 pm

    Angela. I am truly sorry about your mom. I too lost my dear father suddenly. It was a very hard year. I hope you find comfort in running. Also know she is watching you from heaven. You will see lots of ‘signs’ of your mom. Say a double rainbow or shooting stars. Just keep looking. Good luck on your race.

  3. 05.05.13 at 2:45 pm

    Your momma is proud of you…and has always been very proud of you, as am i. I am tracking your pace online and you are smokin. Keep it up . I will talk to you after the race.
    I love you

  4. 4 Barbara
    05.06.13 at 2:31 pm

    Angela, I remember your mom from our high school days you ladies were always together working on cheer routines, your mom was your biggest cheerleader. She was a beatutiful, postive woman and always had an electric smile on her face. I am sorry about your loss. I too lost my mother to Ovarian cancer 7 years ago on Christmas Eve. Its hard when you lose one of your best friends, I still have her cell number in my phone. I am always following your posts and blogs, your mother raised a wonderful woman. Your family is in our prayers. God Bless

  5. 5 diana k
    05.07.13 at 4:21 am

    I was glad to see your blog in my in box today what you share inspires me…I am so sorry for your loss…you are in my prayers…I too have found peace in running…God bless as you heal your heart…

  6. 6 Beth B
    05.07.13 at 2:33 pm

    I am so sorry to hear about your mother and hope you had a good race w/ your angel running alongside… I was diagnosed w/ breast cancer in November and have been going through chemo and surgery with still more chemo to come and worry/worried about my daughters if this doesn’t work (a 14 and 12 yo). I love your blog for the inspiration it provides and am planning to train for my very first 5K as soon as I get a release from the Dr. Thank you for the fitbook and your inspiration. I pray that you find peace in the next few months as you continue going through your stages of grief.

  7. 7 Liza Uriarte
    05.19.13 at 1:57 pm

    Thank you for sharing I must admit I haven’t been following your blogs and just happen to come across this one this morning. I’m ‘cleaning’ up my emails But for some reason this caught my eye and I like your Facebook stuff. I’m so sorry to hear about your mom. Life takes such unexpected turns, but through it all. God has a plan! I have to believe that and I know life here is temporary but meanwhile we have a purpose. You are honoring your mother and encouraging others. HE will say “we’ll done my good and faithful servant’

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